So, I heard you want to talk about building a healthy marriage? Well, turns out I have a lot to say about that.
A few weeks ago, Jason and I celebrated our three-year wedding anniversary (five years of being together, woo!) And if you’ve been around here for a while, you already know we’re probably not your textbook example of what a marriage is “supposed” to look like.
We don’t sleep in the same bed. Our third date was couples therapy. We’ve navigated blending families, parenting, career changes, and plenty of hard conversations. And somehow, through all of it, we’ve built the healthiest relationship either of us has ever had.
So, as someone who has a toxic-free podcast, I knew Jason had to come on and talk about it.
Not because we have a perfect marriage (we absolutely do not), but because after years of trial, error, growth, and a whole lot of communication, we’ve learned something we think other couples need to hear:
A healthy marriage isn’t about following someone else’s rules.
It’s about creating a relationship that works for the two people in it.
In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on what that looks like for us—from separate bedrooms and couples therapy to relationship boundaries, communication, trust, and everything we’ve learned along the way.
So whether you’re married, dating, blending families, or simply curious about what a healthy relationship actually looks like behind the scenes, something tells me you’ll relate to this convo.
Married with Separate Bedrooms: How Can That Really Be a Healthy Marriage?!
If there’s one thing Jason and I have learned, it’s that a healthy marriage can look wildly different from one couple to the next.
For some couples, that means spending every night in the same bed. For us? Absolutely NOT hahaha. Every time we tell people we sleep in separate bedrooms, they immediately think we’re on the brink of divorce. But there’s actually a much simpler (and less toxic) reason why:
We’re both terrible sleepers. That’s it.
There’s snoring. Tossing and turning. Bathroom trips. Different schedules. For years, we tried doing what married couples are “supposed” to do. And neither of us got any sleep.
Eventually, we stopped worrying about what our marriage looked like from the outside and started paying attention to what was happening on the inside.
Then something magical happened.
We got better sleep. We were in better moods. Our communication was gentler. Better communication. We both had more energy and much more patience. And a much healthier relationship.
So if you’re a couple sleeping in separate beds, ignore the haters and remember the facts:
If you’re exhausted all the time, it’s really hard to show up as the best version of yourself. For us, separate bedrooms are a KEY to our healthy marriage. Period.
Most Couples Go to Dinner on Their Third Date. We Went to Couples Therapy.
I know what you’re thinking… “this girl sounds insane!” But stay with me here because it’s one of the best decisions we ever made.
Because if you truly want us to share our unfiltered relationship advice for a healthy marriage, we’ve got to talk about communication. No, we’re not naturally amazing at it. But we are committed to working on it.
Our therapist shared a phrase that’s stuck with us ever since: Tightening the bolts.
The idea is simple:
- You don’t wait until something falls apart to pay attention to it.
- You don’t wait until resentment builds for years.
- You don’t wait until communication completely breaks down.
- You tighten the bolts along the way.
That mindset completely changed how we approach relationship communication.
Instead of avoiding hard conversations, we have them.
Instead of pretending everything is fine, we check in.
And instead of hoping issues magically disappear, we address them before they become bigger problems.
I’ll admit, it’s not always comfortable. But it’s been one of the healthiest habits in our marriage.
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More Unfiltered Relationship Advice for Couples (And Why We Swear By Them)
The Fastest Way to Shut Down a Relationship? Judgment.
I’ll let Jason dish out his hot takes on this one. Because when he talks about trust, he doesn’t immediately jump to the things most people think about – being sneaky, telling each other everything, or insecurities.
He talks about judgment. Or more specifically, the lack of it.
The second people feel judged, they stop sharing. They stop being honest. They start protecting themselves. And eventually, they stop letting you in.
One of the biggest reasons our relationship works is that neither of us spends much time trying to change the other person.
Do we annoy each other sometimes? Haha ABSOLUTELY! Do we have different habits? Duh.
But we’ve never approached our relationship from the perspective of fixing each other or making the other person fit into our ideas of how we should live. Instead, we approach it from a place of acceptance. So if you’re thinking that trust is about control, try to reframe your thinking around it.
When your partner is safe enough to be fully themselves, trust comes easily, there’s nothing to hide from, and you both can live in full freedom to be who you are!!!
Fill Your Own Cup First (And Don’t Feel Guilty Doing It)
I know it’s easy to think of a healthy marriage and imagine doing everything together. But in our experience, we don’t think that’s true.
Independence has actually been something so important to both of us. And before anyone panics, independence isn’t the same thing as disconnection.
Jason has his things. I have mine. We have shared interests, and we have completely separate ones.
Your partner cannot be your everything. They can’t be your therapist, best friend, entertainment, hobby, support system, and source of happiness all wrapped into one person. That’s way too much pressure to put on one person!
So we always remind ourselves of the importance of filling our own cups.
- Taking responsibility for our own happiness.
- Maintaining our own interests.
- Having our own friendships.
- Creating our own fulfillment.
At the end of the day, we come back together feeling GOOD about our own lives and have way more joy to pour into each other.
Stop Worrying So Much About What Your Healthy Marriage is “Supposed” to Look Like
Maintaining your image as a healthy couple doesn’t mean anything if it doesn’t feel that way on the inside. Who cares what your parents did? What is your best friend’s marriage like?
You are not them. Your partner is not them.
Point blank, the healthiest relationship advice we can give is to stop measuring your relationship against someone else’s.
- Sleep in separate rooms if it works.
- Go to therapy if you think you need it.
- Have the hard conversations.
- Protect your communication.
- Stop trying to change each other.
- Fill your own cup.
- Create healthy relationship boundaries.
And keep choosing each other.
Even when it’s messy or hard or not understood by people on the outside.
Do it anyway!
Listen to My Husband and I Chat All Things Healthy Marriage Habits
It’s honest, unfiltered, occasionally chaotic, and probably one of the most personal conversations we’ve ever shared publicly.
So grab a coffee, go for a walk, and come hang out with us. Bonus points if you listen with your partner!!!
🎧 Listen on Apple or Spotify
📺 Watch the full episode on YouTube
And if nothing else, maybe let this be your reminder that a healthy marriage doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s.
It just has to work for the two people in it — YOU!
